I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 26. This means that I spent the first 11 years after becoming sexually active without cumming. Not even once. For me, and I assume many other women, sex was a performance.
It was about viewing myself through the other person’s eyes to make sure I was putting on the best possible show. Mentally I’d be comparing myself to porn performers, Kelly Brook, Victoria’s Secret angels or Jennifer Lawrence.
I’d spend the experience worrying about the size of my stomach, breasts and thighs, or whether I was making a weird face. I’d force myself to moan prettily – not too much, not too loud, but enough to massage my partner’s ego. It never really occurred to me whether I wanted to be making those noises, I just felt that it was the ‘done thing’ and I should definitely get on and do it.
I was so focused on my partner’s pleasure and ensuring that I looked right, sounded right and did the right things in the right order, that the whole thing was an ordeal rather than something I enjoyed. Needless to say, I wasn’t having any orgasms. To be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being sexually generous, but there’s a difference between wanting your partner to have a good time and being literally unable to take any pleasure for yourself from the experience.
When I think back to being a teenager, I don’t ever remember talking about female masturbation with my friends at school unless it was in a negative way. It was seen as a necessity for boys, but shameful and dirty for girls. Girls who masturbated were a bit weird, overly sexual and to be pitied.
They pleasured themselves because they couldn’t get a lad interested enough to do it for them. This incredibly regressive and false view of female masturbation stayed with me into my twenties, and even though I’d discovered feminism, body positivity, and sex positivity by this time, I was still at loathe to make it happen for myself.
By the time I turned 26, I’d pretty much decided that I must be one of the not insignificant portion of women who can’t have an orgasm, also known as anorgasmia. I wasn’t cumming and I thought there was something wrong with me. It was only when I stopped taking the contraceptive pill that I decided to take matters into my own hands, so to speak. Without the pill, my mood lifted and my sex drive reawakened.
I read about a vibrator that was the ideal tool for someone having trouble with achieving orgasm. And in this way, the Hitachi Magic Wand entered my life.